Overwhelmed

His kisses are so soft,  like spun sugar
His touch is so gentle yet commanding
The way he moves about my body,
like a skilled craftsman modeling his muse
This isn't sex,
nor is it any where near fucking
Its a possession
A possession of my body,  my mind,  my soul
And it just keeps getting better
Each time different from the last
A level deeper
A firmer embrace on my conscienceness
In my mind,  he dances through my days
And at night he is the warm breeze
That fans the flames of my heady desire
He is my morning rising
What began so simply in July
Has picked up speed,  gained momentum
Gave itself a purpose
And haunts my sex

"It only gets better".....
The words that taunt me
So true
Promising more,  even when I believe
there couldn't possibly be more
The surprise
The delivery
The awe

He's overwhelming me
And god I can't help myself



**Please Note,  this is Copywritten by me.

It takes a lot to get me to cry,

Yet here I am.

I pride myself on being a strong woman,   I've endured a lot in my lifetime and have always managed to get through.  

Circumstances as of late though have been just a bit more than I am willing to tolerate.  More than I'm willing to try to handle.

The person im supposed to help fights me on way too many things.   I don't have the strength anylonger.  I don't have the WANT to help any longer.

My time is being wasted.
My kindness taken for weakness.
My forgiveness taken for granted.
My friendship, underrated.

It's enough to make a good person go bad.  I refuse to allow that to happen,  but I will be removing people from my life.   People I have no use for.

I'm fresh out of "give a damn" and full of fuck yous.
I just can't take it anymore.

New Year,  time for a new me.

Hello old friend, I'm back once again

I've always prided myself on being the type of person who doesn't give up on people.  I don't view people as disposable and believe that people are put in your life for a reason.   I think I've learned a new lesson.

My lesson is that some people are put in your life to help you to learn how to better love and respect yourself.

No one deserves to be ignored.
No one deserves to be disrespected.
No one deserves to be made to feel as though they don't matter.
No one deserves to be made to feel they are unimportant.
No one deserves to give of their heart freely with nothing in return.

The list goes on.  

I allowed myself, just for a brief moment to feel like I've given up on someone,  when the whole time the person I gave up on was me.  I completely forgot my own worth.

While the death of any relationship is always hard,  I will be focusing on all the positives I brought to the table and remember that it's not a "me" issue.

My only sadness is that this person is lost and continues to lose things that were placed in their life to help them heal.  I truly, with all my heart,  wish them well.

And now that I'm free,  now that the weight is lifted from carrying their pains,  now that I've rediscovered that I really LIKE the person I am......

Anything is possible again

and today

You consistently speak of your requirement for communication,  yet can't handle it when you receive it. 

Ohhhh how this resonates with me right now

"Uninvited"

Like anyone would be 
I am flattered by your fascination with me 
Like any hot-blooded woman 
I have simply wanted an object to crave 
But you, you're not allowed 
You're uninvited 
An unfortunate slight 

Must be strangely exciting 
To watch the stoic squirm 
Must be somewhat heartening 
To watch shepherd need shepherd 
But you you're not allowed 
You're uninvited 
An unfortunate slight 

Like any uncharted territory 
I must seem greatly intriguing 
You speak of my love like 
You have experienced love like mine before 
But this is not allowed 
You're uninvited 
An unfortunate slight 

I don't think you unworthy 
I need a moment to deliberate

Wake Up Buttercup

Sometimes I assign importance to people who really don't deserve it.

As I go through this life of mine,  I try to grow and become a better person than who I am currently (not that where I'm at isn't great already,  but we can all Learn and grow).  Sometimes though,  I way overcompensate.   I treat everyone in my life special, mostly because the way I grew up was feeling unimportant,  but that's a whole 'nother blog,  book actually.   The thing is,  I would really hate for anyone to feel like they don't matter, especially to me.

This brings me to the people, who take kindness for weakness.   Who don't appreciate friendship.   Mannerless neanderthals who have self-inflated egos that with added attention,  only get worse.

I need to do better about ridding myself of toxic people.  No matter how much they thought they've changed.   Truth be told,  bad is bad and if bad doesn't recognize itself,  it can never improve.   It can never heal. It can never grow.

Im going to try to do this cleansing in 2014.  I don't rid myself of people easily,  because I begin to feel badly about it.  Like I've abandoned someone who needs help.   But who appointed me that position?   No one.   I'm not responsible for fixing something I didn't break,  and I deserve SO much better.

Forewarning..... its going to be a very interesting year.

Saturday Morning

I recently read this.....

And it stuck,  and it rings true.... with an exception that sometimes that person can cause not just one,  but both.

I had a flash of an old memory,  no,  it's not a memory, it's an old "wonder".  A "curious", somewhat erotic, fantasy. It reminded me that I've never been a fan of postponing meets because too much time leaves too much room for you to place someone on a pedestal and saddle them with unrealistic expectations. Especially sexually.  When fantasizing, they become the most exquisite lover imaginable,  specifically tailored to YOUR likes, your freaks, your kinks.  Then after the long wait and that moment finally arrives, you find the roaring fires you once fantasized about are actually a match that's been wet halfway down the stick so the fire fizzles out with no real "burn".  Youve long awaited the burn,  you craved the burn,  you need the burn.  
Disappointment.... and its no one's fault... except the length of time it took to get to that point and simple human curiosity.

Is that time wasted though?  All of your thoughts,  your fantasies,  the time you set aside to keep that person fresh in your mind, to give that person "worth" to you...... is that wasted?

I'm torn. I'm really torn about what to think,  how to feel,  what to do.....and none of this even begins to cover the "ugly" that's been encapsulated between the "beautiful".

The first person I think of in the morning and the last person I think of in the night is the cause of my happiness and the cause of my pain.

And at some point,  I'm sure that person will read this


   

Ohhhhh Friday.....

I'm in for the evening.  I was going to go to the movies but remembered it was opening night and didn't want to deal with "the rush", especially by myself.

I HAD plans with "P", but I cancelled them.   What a switch right? I know some of you are thinking I shouldve just not showed up and gave him a taste of his own medicine,  but,  I can't do that.   I'm not THAT person. I told him I wasnt going to be there. I'm sorry but that guy,  if he ever wants to fix what he messed up,  is going to have to make some sort of GRAND gesture.   I'm just not holding my breath about it.  

So im in for the evening.   Maybe I'll make some face charts for work or just watch a couple movies on Netflix.   I hear "orange is the new black" is a cool show,  maybe I'll check that out.  Already went through the closet,  yay.  Did a few sets of squats too.  I think I'll do one more set tonight before bed.  

I know,  I know,  I was supposed to submit an erotic story,  but, I'm honestly just not feeling it.  I thought I could get myself to remember how attracted I was too P, but,  I think im probably blocking it for self preservation.   I'll try again soon.  

Wishing everyone a Happy Friday

Hugs

ok, anger has passed....

I really don't want to hold onto that crap for too long.   It drains me.  I've processed and now I'm done being mad.

Now I can blog about "the good" stuff.

Down another 5, if I keep up this rate,  ill hit my goal sooner than anticipated., YUSSSSSSSS! Tomorrow I will be going through my closet again & getting rid of stuff!    I won't,  although,  be shopping until I drop another 20. Maybe ill wait until I hit my goal. THEN ill make my credit card SCREAM lol.  

Finished District tax prep & filing for both businesses and BOE tax filing for one.  Just fed & state left and BOOM, I kicked 2013's tax ass!  Thank god for being OCD-organized lol.

Ugh.... Now for the weekend.  I havent Rescheduled anything for Friday. I have a couple options,  I'm just wondering if I should lay low for a while.  Maybe I'll take myself to the movies.   A good horror movie sounds great.   Saturday I have plans and Sunday, I just want to see the seahawks win. LOL   I'll probably give an fx makeup tutorial a "go".   See where my creativity leads me.

I'm going to make the week of Feb 9th, starting on Sunday,  my official week of "me".  I'm going to be selective on who I decide to spend my time with and make the most of every second.

Lately I've been itching to go ice skating.   I havent done it in years and will most likely land on my ass, but I'm really not letting that hinder me and my ass is nicely padded anyway. We'll see if I can make that happen.  

Thanks for the personal messages, I'm sorry I haven't been "inspired" to write more eroticism as I have in my other blog.  My mind just hasn't been simulated in the past few days.   Once it is "engaged", I promise to resume "the naughty".   Maybe I'll repost an old one?  We'll see.

Okay,  enough for now.   I may be back with something erotic,  I just need to read some old texts I think.   I dunno,  we'll see.  I have a feeling it will be entitled "what could've been".

Frustrated beyond belief. .....

Yes,  I let him get under my skin.   No,  I'm not crying,  but I am pissed as hell.  I think its because I didn't say all that I needed to.

I DETEST being lied to.   This time around he seemed to say many of the right things.    I guess fucking with someone for nearly two years,  you figure a few things out.

"This time is different".  BULLSHIT.   Only difference is that he was blatant about his flagrance.   I asked an important question and he totally blew it off even WITH the knowledge that he's losing me.   Yeah.... can't get a bigger clue than that right?

"It does matter".  WHATEVER.  Again,  I call BULLSHIT.

"It's time".  Yeah,  its time he stopped playing fucking games.   Gonna be 47 and behaves like a fucking 20 year old emotionally immature brat.

I'm tired of waiting for him to fully evolve.

And I'm angry, god I am so angry.

No fucking closure either.

Slippin'

Is been a while since I blogged, I'm slippin and need to check myself.

So let's see.... The possession of me continues,  and it's new and fun and now has a goal.   Not saying much about this right now because...

Someone came back, again.  I honestly thought it would be different this time around,  but its not,  with an exception of a bunch of lip service.

He's still controlling,  he's still uptight, he still places high value on his job and less value on love and living life.

The one good thing that's different is,  It didn't reduce me to tears this time, because I'm stronger & this is HIS loss.   He's aware.  A HUGE change this time around is that,  I know my worth.

You see,  while he "slept on me", I was busy rediscovering me.   I was busy healing myself.   I was finding the greatness within me. I am inimitable,  there is no one like me.   I'm special and now I'm strong,  not just externally,  but most importantly internally.

The one question he needed to answer,  he dismissed without a second thought despite the warning that he's losing me.   Seriously?   If he cannot appreciate me,  my time,  my attention, he simply does not deserve to have it.

My assessment is that he's STILL very much an emotional infant. Hes not evolving,  he's not growing,  he's not advancing and I'm tired of waiting.  He has two failed relationships under his belt,  I'm sure because of his inflexibility and unwillingness to change,  to grow,  to evolve.   He knows there is something very special,  very different to us and he's taking it for granted.

I cannot continue this dance,  I deserve better. He knows it,  I know it.   If he doesn't treasure this ..... why should I?

Again,  he's lost me.

What's crazy is, each time this happens,  I get stronger.   As I get stronger,  I get closer to finding what I'm looking for.   To finding the part of my life that will further enhance what I already have.

And once that's found,  he will cease to exist to me.....

Happy New Year

2014...its a brand new year!!

Things have gotten off to a weird start..cant say its all been rainbows and peaches.. lol, but in the grand scheme of things, they've been ok.

Ive really got to buckle down this year and work on career and finish off my weight loss goal.   I havent 'messed up' on it... dropped a few more pounds but i really want to get the rest of this stuff off as quickly as possible staying within my healthy guidelines of course.  Its going to be a bit of a challenge considering the plateau I hit, so, I just need to find a new way to trick my body...then it'll start falling off again.  My goal isnt a ridiculous one, so, there's that.  NOT going for 'bobble head status'.  That shit isnt cute on anyone, dont care who you are.  Besides, I love my curves.

Nothing sexy to report.

Boo.

LOL